Alphonse: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual
by Hikari Hrair-rah
Summary: Got yourself an ALPHONSE ELRIC, but have no idea what to do with him?  Finally, the answer to all your questions are in here!


Heh heh...guess what I found on my old computer?

Disclaimer: Fullmetal Alchemist is not mine; not no way, not no how!

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_**Congratulations!**_ You are now the proud owner of a fully-automated ALPHONSE ELRIC unit! To insure you get the full use and benefits of your Attached Soul Alchemist, please pay careful attention to the following instructions:

**Basic Information**:

_Name: Alphonse Elric (a.k.a. Al, Mr. Elric, Bigger Brother)_

_Date of Manufacture: Year 1900, Continental Calendar_

_Place of Manufacture: Amestris Inc, Resembool Division_

_Height: Very tall_

_Weight: Less than you'd think_

_Length: Non-applicable_

Your ALPHONSE ELRIC comes with the following accessories:

One lavender fanny pack

Forty sticks white chalk

One lavender loincloth

One gallon cleaning oil w/ cleaning rag

When you first open the crate containing your ALPHONSE ELRIC, you may find him confused and scared. Use a gentle tone of voice while having either an EDWARD ELRIC unit and/or a small child and/or a kitten present, and you will find it quite easy to help your ALPHONSE ELRIC adjust to his new surroundings.

**Programming:**

The ALPHONSE ELRIC is a sweet, loving, happy unit who is always fairly ready to put his many wonderful skills to use.

**Handyman**: With his talent in alchemy, your ALPHONSE ELRIC can fix most of the stuff you need repaired. Although not as practiced as his brother unit, the ALPHONSE ELRIC unit can use alchemy to restore anything he knows the correct structure of in a flash of light.

**Bodyguard**: Bullies bothering you? With one menacing stare, your ALPHONSE ELRIC unit will send those thugs running home crying for their mommies. For those opponents who stay to fight, never fear - your ALPHONSE ELRIC unit is a fully-trained fighter, fully capable of kicking butt with his bare metallic hands.

**Babysitter**: Despite being only fourteen years old, the size and compassion of your ALPHONSE ELRIC makes him a great caregiver. You'll have no need to fear for the safety of your wee little children with an ALPHONSE ELRIC around.

**Animal Rescue and Shelter Founder/Organizer/Sponsor/Member**: Your ALPHONSE ELRIC's love of small, helpless animals will send him scouring the streets for helpless strays, especially when it rains. His own armor body provides a convenient place to keep those animals, though you'll probably need to clean it out every couple of weeks.

Your ALPHONSE ELRIC comes with seven modes:

Level-Headed (default)

Self Blame

Peeved

Whacked Out (level two block)

Unholy Terror

Four Year Old

In Luv

Please note, the ALPHONSE ELRIC unit does not come with a Slash setting. As long as ALPHONSE ELRIC remains in his current state, he cannot engage in any of those sorts of activities. He can still be in love when in the In Luv mode, but anything further has to wait until somebody comes up with a working Philosopher's Stone.

Also, the Peeved and Whacked Out modes are the two anger settings for your ALPHONSE ELRIC unit. While the Peeved mode contains a normal range of anger, the Whacked Out mode is kept under a level two block do to the ALPHONSE ELRIC unit's dangerous and unpredictable behavior when in this mode. Excess stress (such as his being convinced that he isn't a real person and therefore has no soul) may trigger the Whacked Out mode in your ALPHONSE ELRIC unit.

**Relations with other units**:

Your ALPHONSE ELRIC unit is a cheerful, social unit who loves spending time in the company of others. As such, he is compatible with almost any other unit.

EDWARD ELRIC: A cranky, height-challenged State Alchemist, his title is the Full Metal Alchemist and he is your ALPHONSE ELRIC unit's older brother. ALPHONSE ELRIC units most often crave the presence of an EDWARD ELRIC unit, as they are each other's only remaining family. Of course, as they ARE brothers, there may be one or two alchemy fights when the siblings have disagreements.

WINRY ROCKBELL: Childhood friend and top-rate automail mechanic. Aside from the EDWARD ELRIC unit, the WINRY ROCKBELL unit has the highest rate of compatibility with your ALPHONSE ELRIC unit. The fact that she solves disagreements with her industrial-sized wrench isn't as big a problem with the ALPHONSE ELRIC unit's completely metallic steel body.

PINAKO ROCKBELL: Also known as Granny, this unit serves as a parental figure for the ALPHONSE ELRIC unit. Despite the slight difference in height, the ALPHONSE ELRIC does look up to the PINAKO ROCKBELL unit as a role model.

IZUMI: A top-rate alchemist, martial artist, and happily married butcher's wife, the IZUMI unit also serves as a role model for the ALPHONSE ELRIC unit. Her method of teaching comes straight from the well-known school of 'Learning Through Pain'.

**Other unit interactions**:

COLONEL MUSTANG: The womanizing Dog of the Military, also known as the Flame Alchemist, this military man is the closest thing the ALPHONSE ELRIC unit has to an official boss. Technically, the ALPHONSE ELRIC unit is a civilian, but as his brother works directly under the COLONEL MUSTANG unit, it's close enough.

MAJOR ALEX LOUIS ARMSTRONG: Also known as the Strong Arm Alchemist, the MAJOR ALEX LOUIS ARMSTRONG is known for his alchemy, his chivalry, his family history, his loyalty, his sparkly-ness, his bulging muscles, and the fact that he takes off his shirt almost anytime he ever says anything.

LIEUTENANT-COLONEL HUGHES: Savvy officer in the Investigations Department, and a loving husband and father. He will not hesitate to shove pictures of said family into the faces of those who speak to/look at/greet him unwarily, so caution must be taken. Is skilled in the use of throwing knives.

THE HOMUNCULI: A set of seven. These units are all dangerous and must be dealt with using extreme caution. LUST: Beautiful woman, with tattoo on mid-upper chest. Spiked fingers extend to pierce through anything. GLUTTONY: Small, portly man, with tattoo on tongue. Has acidic spit, and lives to eat anything and anyone. ENVY: Tall, slender teenager with long, spiky hair, with tattoo on left thigh (usually). Can transform into anyone. WRATH: Small child with long black hair, with tattoo on underside of right foot. Can perform alchemy without a transmutation circle. Does not like crying babies. GREED: Tall man with short, spiked hair, with tattoo on back of right hand. Can turn his own skin into unbreakable substance. SLOTH: Beautiful woman, with tattoo on left-upper chest. Can turn body into water-like substance. PRIDE: Middle-aged man, with tattoo on left eyeball. Has very lucrative government job.

THE LIMITED EDITION HOMUNCULI: Only three models are currently available in this exclusive line of HOMUNCULI. LIMITED EDITION LUST is a beautiful, buxom lady whose fingers extend to pierce anything. LIMITED EDITION ENVY is a perky, happy, and vicious shape-shifter who takes great delight in what s/he does. LIMITED EDITION GLUTTONY is a cuddly walking stomach who'll do anything for a snack. Be warned, these versions are even more dangerous than the original set.

SCAR: Middle-aged Ishbalan man. His current right arm boasts a transmutation circle that can destroy any object and absorb it. The SCAR unit uses this arm as a weapon in his quest to hunt down and destroy all State Alchemists. Surprisingly, the ALPHONSE ELRIC unit and the SCAR unit can achieve a very tentative friendship after minimal amounts of interaction.

HOHENHEIM OF LIGHT: Father of the ALPHONSE ELRIC unit. The ALPHONSE ELRIC unit, unlike his brother, has little memory of this unit, and will joyfully stay as close to the HOHENHEIM OF LIGHT unit as possible after they are first introduced. Unfortunately, this interaction can prove to be a problem for any EDWARD ELRIC units that are in the area.

DANTE: Evil bodysnatching alchemist. The original set of HOMUNCULI obey her orders, and the DANTE unit uses them to carry out various nefarious plots in order to acquire Philosopher's Stones for use in more bodysnatching. Approach with caution, especially when she is holding or nearby any small babies.

**Cleaning**:

The ALPHONSE ELRIC unit, being a soul attached to a suit of armor, is a very simple unit to clean. Simply use the enclosed cleaning oil and rag to rub your ALPHONSE ELRIC unit's steel body clean and shiny. This should be done in a properly ventilated area, with no flammable substances or exposed flames nearby. The ALPHONSE ELRIC unit can clean himself if you are unable to help, but is always happy to have a little assistance. Do not wash the metallic ALPHONSE ELRIC unit with water. Do not get blood-seal inside of armor wet under any circumstances.

Your ALPHONSE ELRIC, upon return to his original body, requires cleaning in a more conventional manner, with soap and water. See a licensed Fanfiction Authoress for any personality details that need to be cleared up. Rub unit dry with towel. Do not machine-wash unit. Do not line-dry unit. Do not dry-clean unit.

**Energy**:

The ALPHONSE ELRIC unit does not require food, water, or much sleep to function while in his attached-soul state. To be polite, the ALPHONSE ELRIC unit may shove food inside his helmet and pretend he's eating, but with enough reassurances and trust, this behavior should stop. If it reoccurs, the ALPHONSE ELRIC unit is most likely hiding someone inside his armor.

**Frequently Asked Questions**:

**Q**: I've had my ALPHONSE ELRIC for a few months now, and while he seemed pretty happy at first, lately I've been finding him hiding in dark corners and very depressed. Nothing I say seems to help. What should I do?

**A**: Are there any other units in your home? The ALPHONSE ELRIC is a highly social unit, and lack of interactions with other units can cause these bouts of depression.

**Q**: Lately, I've been finding my ALPHONSE ELRIC has been ordering really expensive polish and has been buffing and polishing himself nonstop. He also refuses to do anything that might scratch, dent, ding, score, dull, or otherwise keep him from being super-shiny and sparkly clean. And sometimes he makes these scary speeches and tries to do muscle poses┘

**A**: Oh dear. Your ALPHONSE ELRIC seems to have come down with what we call the 'Delusions of Armstrong' glitch. Do you have an EDWARD ELRIC unit handy? They're good for stopping those speeches in their tracks, and can even forcibly reboot your ALPHONSE ELRIC unit to undo the glitch (beware of alchemy fights under this circumstance). If worse comes to worse, you can always scare your ALPHONSE ELRIC unit straight by introducing him to a _real_ MAJOR ALEX LOUIS ARMSTRONG unit.

**Q**: I had bought an ALPHONSE ELRIC unit to keep my small daughter company since I have to work very late. For some reason, even though I didn't order any other units, a dark-skinned man with a X-shaped scar on his forehead has started living in our house as well. My daughter claims that the man followed our ALPHONSE ELRIC home one day...

**A**: Then that probably is the case. SCAR units often run away from their owners and become strays. ALPHONSE ELRIC units have a knack for finding and bringing back strays, especially SCAR unit strays. If you can't find the original owner, you might want to think about keeping the SCAR unit...ALPHONSE ELRIC units will avoid bringing back strays of a unit that it already lives with, though there are some exceptions.

**Troubleshooting**:

**Problem**: Shortly after you bought an ALPHONSE ELRIC unit, new units started appearing in your house, one after another. Most of them are SCAR units.

**Solution**: ALPHONSE ELRIC units need to be kept busy, or else they will do little else but go out and find stray units to bring home. On the other hand, if you have a surplus of popular units like the SCAR unit, you can make some extra cash by selling them┘

**Problem**: Your ALPHONSE ELRIC unit has been reenacting the Black Knight scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. This would be amusing if you didn't have to reattach his limbs yourself every time.

**Solution**: Introduce your ALPHONSE ELRIC unit to other movies.

**Problem**: Instead of a tall, alchemy-using suit of armor with a soul attachment inside, you received a skinny, annoying, and non-alchemy-using golden droid. What gives?

**Solution**: What gives indeed. We don't even make Star Wars units. Send us proof of your purchase of the ALPHONSE ELRIC unit and we'll ship you the correct unit free of charge. ...And you can keep C-3PO if you want.

With proper care and maintenance, your ALPHONSE ELRIC will live a full and happy life while staying under your roof. His warranty is good through one turning-of-himself-into-a-Philosopher's Stone: email the provided address and the PHILOSOPHER REPAIR SQUADRON MK. II will fix your armored alchemist right away, for many more years of (hopefully) good times for all. (Please do not confuse the PHILOSOPHER REPAIR SQUADRON MK. II for a delivery of LIMITED EDITION RESTORED EDWARD ELRIC units. The units will fight back if you try to abduct one while on the job.)


End file.
